The guiding star of Alderian psychology is that we derive meaning from connection to community1. That we can only feel connection to a community when we are useful in it because we are contributing meaningfully to that community2.
Why don’t we feel connected?
Philosopher: Take, for example, a man who, on reaching retirement age and stopping work, quickly looses his vitality and becomes depressed. Abruptly cut off from the company that was his community and bereft of title or profession, he becomes and “ordinary nobody.” – The Courage to Be Disliked Pg 173
In his podcast Cal Newport regularly comes back to the idea that social media provides pseudo-connection to it’s users. You scroll Facebook and see the updates your friends are making about their children or the latest event they’ve participated in. While doing this you feel connected to them, but you haven’t interacted with them face-to-face, or even via phone, so none of the real emotional connection happened.
You feel connected without any of the true rewards of connection, hence describing connection via social media as pseudo-connection.
Looking at this from Adler’s vantage point, social media allows us to feel like we’ve connected with someone without ever being of service to them in any way so something deep inside us doesn’t feel fulfilled and thus we aren’t creating any connection to them. The connection we did have is fleeting, it evaporates as soon as we’re not looking at the screen so we head back to a screen to get more connected only for this type of ephemeral connection to fall through our grasp again at every turn.
Another strong point behind lack of connection is the workaholic mindset that dominates much of the western capitalist world. In this world the 9-5 captures evenings and weekends leaving us with no time to connect with others3. Jobs expect us to be available via our phones or laptops even when outside of work hours so you don’t really have a 9-5 job. What you have is regular mandated hours and then compulsory hours on call if your job decides it needs your, or has cut back staff so much that you can’t finish your work during the regular workday hours so you have to work extra hours without extra pay.
Hustle culture also contributes to the lack of time to create connections. We continually focus on how to work better without spending equal effort on how to rest better4 or how to make deeper connections with the community around us. We are told by everyone around us that if we have a hobby it should be turned into something monetizable so that we have side hustle5 but your hobby better not be too weird so the only real6 creativity that is allowed is creativity that can be monetized.
How do we feel connected to community?
People who are left naked and alone by radical individualism do what their genes and the ancient history of their species tell them to do: They revert to tribe. Individualism taken too far, leads to tribalism. The Second Mountain Pg 34
Given all the forces working against us creating connection in community, and thus finding meaning, how do we go about changing that?
Strong Towns suggests that the first step is getting out and being of service to your community is a way of building connections. Using Mark Dunkleman’s idea of the three rings of relationships from The Vanishing Neighbour working side by side with people that are in your community builds the second ring of relationships which is people we know personally but don’t interact with at the deeper level reserved for friends and family. This is your neighbour 5 doors down that you greet while walking the dog and stop for a quick chat, but don’t invite over for dinner. You see them on the street during a street barbecue, but that’s the extent of your intimate interaction.
These type of relationships are built when you head out and pick up garbage together during a city wide clean up. When I borrow a tool from my neighbour’s extensive mechanic tools or fix his bicycle with my extensive bike knowledge, we build second ring connections in the community while also being of service to those around us.
I remember this happening in my childhood. My dad would be in the driveway with the hood of the car up and most days some neighbour would stroll over to chat and see what my dad was doing. Only one other neighbour on the street had car expertise, but many of them would stop by. These casual contacts turned into my dad heading over to other houses sometimes to help with car repairs, or a street wide fence building weekend where all the dads put the holes in and set the posts for 20 houses then each family worked on their own fence over the next week. Burgers were grilled, drinks were delivered by children and the community grew closer.
As I stated above, I borrow some mechanic tools and expertise from my neighbour. I’ve been intentional about not purchasing some tools so that I borrow them. My neighbour was thinking about purchasing an extension ladder, but then found I had one so just borrows mine instead. I lend my snowblower to the neighbours across the street when there is a heavy snowfall and the kids are out shovelling. We trade childcare assistance on many weekends with a single mother across the street with her daughter spending nights so mom can work, and this weekend when the family is going many different ways, she’s taking my 8-year-old to a birthday party up the street and making sure she gets home safely.
This isn’t news though, Benjamin Franklin used this to great affect getting former enemies to be friendly simply by borrowing a book he knew they valued. He spent the time to read it and then commented on it to his former enemy, who then had more to talk about in the realm of books.