We all have some family member or friend that has an idea we think has no rational basis, and despite repeated "discussions" they won't change their mind. Some of us may even find research to show them how wrong they are, yet they still persist in the belief that the beliefs they hold are correct in the face of evidence we think is overwhelming.
Why Do They Persist?
The big question we often ask ourselves is how they can persist in false beliefs despite what we think is overwhelming evidence to show their belief is incorrect. Part of the problem is first-instinct fallacy. People are loathe to change their opinions even at the cost of considerable performance improvements1.
We see this in multiple choice tests where statistically speaking when you change your answers you're more likely to be changing them from an incorrect answer to a correct answer. Even major education institutions recommend sticking with your first instinct despite research stating it's not the optimal way to behave.
A second issue is that the internet lets us mimic expertise with endless stories of where we should be right2. We all fall into the trap of doing some internet searches and reading an article, or maybe just headlines, and then thinking we're an expert on any topic. The expert and the idiot have the same authority online, so how do you know which one you're taking advice from3?
The very act of searching the internet for a topic has many people fall into the trap of thinking they learned something by gleaning some headlines4. This is the Dunning-Kruger Effect at work, the less we know about something the more we overestimate our skill on a topic.
A third issue is grit, because the dark side of grit is falling into sunk cost fallacy. Since we've already moved in one direction, we should be "gritty" and keep going instead of stopping to reevaluate our position in the face of the current information. Seth Godin's book, The Dip, is all about when we should be quitting. He says that contrary to the saying "winners never quit" they quit all the time5. They quit things that are unproductive and not pushing them towards their goals. If you looked at all the things "winners" have done, they have a mountain of corpses in the things that they stopped doing before the found the one thing that worked and turned them into a "winner".
Finally, some people are just assholes and spout falsehood to make money or simply to be a pain in the ass. We've seen this recently with Tucker Carlson and Fox News. He didn't believe much of what he said, he just knew that viewers would soak it up and ratings get him paid. He decided it was more important to make money and drive up ratings than to provide accurate information to his viewers.
You simply can't talk to these types of people, so don't waste breath.
What Can You Do About it?
Something I tell my kids regularly is that you're only responsible for your behaviour. That means in the face of some family member that you feel holds false beliefs all you can do is to work on yourself.
Stop and ask yourself where you have fallen into any of the traps listed above. Have you read the studies you're referring to? Did you vet the credentials of those that summarized the studies you didn't have time to read? Have you looked for critical reviews of the beliefs you hold dear, and the foundations that they stand on?
One of the things that has made me think about my reading is listening to If Books Could Kill. Before I listened to this podcast I thought Freakonomics was a good book, then I come to find out that much of the science used in the book was already debunked at the time the book was written.
A second excellent idea is to find spots in the discussion where you can agree, because there is almost always nuance6. Can you agree with some of the points made? Often the person you disagree with feels like no one listens to them and they're being treated like an idiot. Once someone listens to them, they're far more likely to listen to you7.
Third, remember that showing shades of grey in any idea is something we're loosing in our polarized discourse8. The answer to any hard question is often "it depends". There are few hard/fast rules when it comes to interacting with people in the world. Many beliefs could be correct under the right circumstances. It's worth acknowledging that.
Finally, are you having a discussion on the same grounds? My father-in-law and I have had an ongoing discussion about the musical talent of people. I contend that most people can be taught to sing well he says that in his experience that's not true. I'm not saying all people, I'm saying that most people can sing very well with the proper training. The thing is that he relies on his experience and I look at what the research says. We're arguing from two different starting points, I can't argue with his experience because it's his, and he is unwilling to believe the research because his experience says different.
As soon as I realize a discussion is operating from these two different perspectives, I just end it because it's not going to be productive.
You don't have to win every argument. You don't have to correct every opinion. My father-in-law is a great man and musical talent is not worth some hard discussion, so I let it go because it's not worth the effort.
Work on You
You'll not that all the points I made have nothing to do with changing someone else's mind. I told you to work on you, because that's all you can do. Brow-beating someone into agreeing with you isn't going to be productive.
Maybe once you've worked on yourself, and worked to understand other opinions, you'll be in a better place to hold productive discussions.
Further Reading
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The Death of Expertise Page 106 ↩
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The Death of Expertise Page 109 ↩
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The Death of Expertise Page 119 ↩
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The Dip Page 3 ↩
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There is no nuance in racism, sexism, and other areas that demean human life. We just don't tolerate that at all. ↩
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Read Think Again for more on how listening to someone makes them far more likely to listen to you ↩
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Think Again Page 164 ↩